Paradise Driver

Saturday, December 23, 2006

The Best Christmas Fruit Cake

Recipe You Ever Tried!

Guaranteed to be fun to make!

Christmas Whiskey Cake

1 cup butter

2 cups sugar

6 large eggs

2 teaspoons baking powder

3 cups flour, sifted

1/2 t. salt

1 cup bourbon

1 pound pecans, chopped

3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)

1 t. nutmeg

AND

~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.

To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat this step.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large

fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,

then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.

Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.

Add 2 dried anything.

If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with

a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???

Check the whiskey again.

Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.

And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.

Grease the oven.

Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.

Lick the batter off the floor.

Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.

Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

THE PICTURE GALLERY

O'AHU

POLYNESIAN CULTURAL CENTER

Canoe Pageant

Fiji

Fiji - Tapa

Hawai'i

Hawai'i - Hula Demonstration

Hawai'ian Quilt

Hawai'i - Poi sampling

Main Canal

Marquesas - Cultural Demonstration

Marquesas - Dancer

New Zealand - Canoe

Tahiti - Basket Weaving

Tahiti - Coconut Scraping

Tahiti - Hula

Tonga - Audience Participation

Tonga - Dancers

Visitors Center

***

"Let's all be careful out there!"

Friday, December 22, 2006

WAZ ONE NIGHT BEFO' CHREESMESS

PIDGIN STYLE - version 2

Was da night befo Chreesmess when all tru da hale,
Not one crecha was stirring not even one `iole,
Da Kakini stay hang on the puka wit caya
Wit hopes dat Santa Claus soon would be dea.
Da keiki wen moemoe on top of da bed
while crackseed and mochi stay dance in deh head.
Mama in her muumuu and I in my malo,
were just finishing off da aku bone and kalo,
Wen outside da hale I heard one beeg clatta
I jumped from da table fo see whats da matta
quick tru da lumi i went like one flash
I opened the puka and run out on da grass
The moon wen shine down on da ocean so clea
gave a lusta to da wata, like frosty root bea.
When what to my maka should I suddenly see
but a double hulled canoe and eight giant mahimahi.
Wit one tiny old paddla, so lively and quick,
That I knew in one minute gotta be St Nick.
More fas dane one mo`o his i`a dey came
an he screaming and yelling and calling dey name
Now Kini, now Kimo, now Kale and Moke,
On Ha`a, on Umi on Limu and Loke,
sweem ova da waves by da light of da moon,
now wait in da wata, I gon come back soon.
Like pupu they stay on da deep ocean flooa
when da wata stat swirling dey come to da shore
so up to the village in Honolulu
with a canoe full of toys and Santa Claus too.
An den in one twinkle, I heard on da wall,
da mele and hula, soun like half-time futball
As I run in da hale and just turn aroun
down came da beeg guy, some tree hundred fifty pound.
He was dress in one malo and kihei all in red
wit one matching papale on top of his head
one package of toys he had trown on his back
and mango and papaya in a lauhala pack
his maka, wen twinkle, his deemple so merry
his cheeks was all rosy, his nose like one cherry
his waha niho ole, was smilin so beeg
and da beard on his `auwae was smoothe as one peeg
he had one tan face, and a beeg fat opu
that shook when he laugh, like a bowl of pipi stew
he was oh so momona, a cute ol kane
and I wen laugh wen I see him, he jus look so funny
One wink of his eye and one twis of his head
soon went let me know I had noting to dread,
he spoke not one word but wen shtraight to his work
filling all the kakini; then he turn wit one jerk
and he wen put his finga on da side of his ihu
and giving one nod ran out to his canoe,
He wen spring on top his noho, an made one beeg whistle
and waway they wen swam like one rocket ship missle
but I heard him wen say on the waves as he go
Mele Kalikimaka, a me hau`oli makahiki hou!

THE PICTURE GALLERY

O'AHU

International Market Place

'Iolani Barracks On The 'Iolani Palace Grounds

'Iolani Palace

Kapiolani Park

Kapiolani Park Banyan Tree

Kapiolani Park Shower Trees

Kawaiahao Church

King Kamehameha-I Statue

Mission Houses Museum

Southeast O'ahu
Anana (Rabbit) and Kaohikaipu (Turtle) Islands

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
Map Galleries - Exterior

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
Statue Of Columbia

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
The Chapel

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
The Galleries

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
The Monument - Punchbowl

National Cemetery Of The Pacific
View From The Monument

***

"Let's all be careful out there!"

Thursday, December 21, 2006

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

LAWYER STYLE

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch