Paradise Driver: 05/08/08

Thursday, May 08, 2008

"Scotch, with two drops of water."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

THE ODD(BALL)S & ENDS

LEX LUTHOR DOESN'T EXIST:
If you plan on robbing someone, don't have your photo taken by them earlier in the evening.

Didn't need CSI for this one.

Be very, very careful when choosing a fake name to give to the cops.

***

BARNEY FIFE SYNDROME:
How NOT to conduct a firearms safey course.

***

Are conservatives happier than liberals? Or is that just a rationalization.

***

10 deadliest storms in history

***

It is now possible to conduct bio-warfare over the internet.

***

I guess "crime" does pay.

***

Improving a child's mathematical ability by playing Mozart is a wide held concept. Now, using Möbius Strips, 3-D Ice Cream Cones and Pyramids, the geometry of music is being mapped.

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL

HERE IS TODAY'S POST

It has a bill and webbed feet like a duck, lays eggs like a bird or a reptile but also produces milk and has a coat of fur like a mammal. The genetic code of the Duck-billed Platypus has been mapped. Turns out that it is an early off-shoot of the mammalian line that has retained many characteristics of a reptile. Found only in Australia. when the first specimen was sent to Europe in the 19th century, many researchers thought it was some elaborate hoax.

In related news, the continuing study of the human genome has discovered up to 250 regions where the reference genome sequenced over 13 years may be missing information.

***

In the event of a natural catastrophy or major terrorist attack, we would send the injured to the hospital, right? WRONG! It turns out that the seven major cities in the US do not have the capability to handle a sudden surge in emergency patients. Those are the big cities. Smaller communities are in even worse shape. Scary.

***

In what can only be described as "Fifth Column" activity, the popular, extremely ultra-right-wing, radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has claimed victory for his "Operation Chaos". He now is endorsing Barack Obama for those Republicans that can crossover and vote in their primaries for candidates of the Democratic ticket.

American politics are more fun than a 3-ring circus.

***

Of course, no country in the world can hold a candle to italy. They change governments more often than a teenage girl changes clothes.

***

In the Science-Warfare Department, new technology is on the horizon that will make better bullets, mines and bombs. Looking at our history, you have to acknowledge that America is the most war-loving nation since the Roman Empire.

***

Top 15 Natural Disasters of All Time

***