MONDAY EDITION

THE OL' E-MAILBAG

MAHALO, MIKE!

My regular reader, Mike Weldon, sent these pics from a past visit to Mau'i:

***

There is a factory in Kansas which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job is to give Elmo 'two test tickles'."

***

THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

The "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or "significant other".

DANGEROUS:

What's for dinner?

SAFER:

Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST:

Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.

DANGEROUS:

Are you wearing that?

SAFER:

WOW, you sure look good in brown!

SAFEST:

WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.

DANGEROUS:

What are you so worked up about?

SAFER:

Could we be overreactting?

SAFEST:

Heres my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.

DANGEROUS:

Should you be eating that?

SAFER:

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST:

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.

DANGEROUS:

What did you do all day?

SAFER:

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST:

I've always loved you in that outfit!

ULTRA SAFE:

Here, have some more wine.

+++

12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

• PASS MY SHOTGUN
• PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
• PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
• PUFFY MID-DRIFF
• PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
• PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
• PARDON MY SOBBING
• PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
• PASS MY SWEATS
• PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
• PACK MY STUFF
• POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT

***

They'll be some more tomorrow. Off to Kahului, across the island, later today to renew my taxi license.

Have a great week, everybody. Hope to see you tomorrow.

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

***

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

I GAVE IT THE OL' COLLEGE TRY

WHAT CAN I SAY?

Jolted out of sleep, around noon, with a major lower GI problem. It never got better. Made it in to work and, after one small fare in Wailea, I had to go back home. It was 8:30 PM, I told dispatch that I would be back out about 1:00 AM to help with bar-close and cover the graveyard shift. I was functioning but not really functional. About 1:30 AM I am sent up to Ma'alaea for a run back to Kihei

Thats a good one!

When I made the pick-up, I found out that it was actually a round trip.

Thats double good!!

Had two more in-town fares in the 3 o'clock hour. Turned over the phone and reservation sheet to the day-shift and was home by 4:30 AM. Feeling like I had been ridden hard and put away wet.

So, considering relativity, I actually had a good night.

4 fares / 71 miles / 4th quarter below $100 bracket

Some interesting items in the ol' e-mail bag this week. And everybody have a good one!

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

***

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

LAST MONTH I ONLY METERED...

...1/3rd OF WHAT I DID JANUARY 2006

And I am hearing a lot of discontent in the night driver's voices. Not all of them but spread between the old and the new. We had 6 night cabs and we really only needed 3. One split at midnight and another at 1:30 AM and we still had one too many for the bar-close.
The police were out in force again last night. Not only preventing any disturbance but also, this time, using unmarked cars to work DUI enforcement.
This is Jessica & Anna (Ah-Nah), part of a 4-some that I acquired from a residence in far north Kihei. Took them, and the pic, back home at bar-close. Seasoned drinkers, there was no hint of a queasy stomach or belligerence or LOUD. Pleasantly tipsy, a little silly, and totally relaxed. Just the way people want to and should feel after a night out.

Took Pat & Ray up to Capische last night. They had a wonderful dinner, enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine and were entertained by an excellent jazz combo (piano & brass). I listened while I waited for them, on the return. Sure beat anything coming out of either radio in the cab.

For a Friday, we weren't that busy. While I never left town, only one fare was below $11.00, which provided some consolation.

9 fares / 84 miles / 3rd quarter $100 bracket

One more to go! On Monday I have to actually be a "day" person and go to Kahului to renew my taxi driver's license. Thats going to hurt. I haven't seen daylight since the sun began setting before my "day" began. And the sun will be back in my life soon as it is getting lighter in the sky each evening as I head out the door.

See you after work tomorrow. Until then...

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

***

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

THE FLIP SIDE...

... OF THE COIN

Mike Weldon, a regular reader, sent me this:

KARAOKE YELLOW CAB

May have to keep this in mind if things get really, really, really desperate.

Mahalo, Mike.

***

How bad was it? I have had worse and I'll admit the end was better than the beginning.

Sat until 9:15 PM before I had my first run. Thats pitiful. Absolutely pitiful. Didn't get another fare until 11:00 PM. Actually had 2 that hour. Another in the "witching" hour and 1 bar close. That right, 7 hours and 5 fares. Added 3 more during the dog-watch.

It is still cold at night, but the day reached into the lower mid-70's yesterday. The cooler temps probably kept the trouble from happening at the "Triangle" at bar close. There wasn't anybody there to cause trouble. However MPD was there in force. 20 officers, most standing at the curb of the FoodLand side of the street, across from LAB (Life's A Beach). A smaller group walking the "Triangle".

I hadn't heard of any trouble brewing but apparently they had. That one young Tongan had been badly roughed up two weeks ago and there is trouble brewing, obviously.

The only ride of salacious interest was a 3-pax. 2 gals and a guy. They had called another driver for a pick-up ("special") and he gathered in someone else, instead. So they joined me and off we went to Wailea. The girls were ripped. Not "puking" drunk but LOUD VOICE drunk. They were nice enough to call the other driver to cancel him after we started moving. I guess one of the girls had been flirting with the driver on the initial trip. She had told him that they didn't have any money, in a joking manner, and he had told her:

"No problem. You can sit on my mustache."

Which explained her cryptic comment when she boarded my cab:

"Oh! You have a full beard! Thats even better than a mustache!"

No. She didn't offer to sit on it.

A few seconds after I dropped my final fare, one of the morning drivers checked in, just around the corner. I saw hime cross in front of me as he radioed in. I pulled behind him and said:

"If you pull to the curb, we can save the company some money. I am right behind you."

Passed over the phone and reservation sheet and didn't have to go all the way back to Wailea, we were in north Kihei. Home by 4"00 AM!

Well, the official figures are finally catching up to what I've been whining about all last year (and into this one). A 4.3% drop in visitor spending in 2007, on Mau'i. Thats a pretty hefty chunk of change.

After the "Triangle" closed I passed back through and had an opportunity to chat with one of the ranking members of the night security company. Well, she had 4 stars on her collar. Must mean sumptin'.

I had noticed earlier that a cab, from an out-of-area company that likes to poach on our turf, had been parked within the property, after the chains had gone up. Something we had been told we couldn't do. She explained that they had allowed it because there were few vehicles in the lot and that our drivers could do the same thing on nights of low pedestrian traffic. We won't be allowed to do it if traffic is heavy and on nights when drunks are, literally, crawling from bar to bar. Also that they won't allow any cabs to drop or pick-up inside their property line on busy nights. A liability risk of someone walking into a cab as it is passing by in the narrow confines of the drives and parking spaces. I can accept that. I don't believe it but I can accept it.

8 fares / 70 miles / 4th quarter below $100 bracket

East of the IDL, its TGIF. West, it is Saturday. Everyone enjoy your weekend. Hope you can drop by this weekend!

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

***

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

WITH LOVE...

FROM GREECE

I received this postcard from my sweetheart, Alissa (a/k/a/: Wiskers) yesterday.
She has spent a good portion of this month in Greece. The Fates willing, she and her family should be here sometime in April. I can hardly wait. I miss her so much. I'll also be able to meet Queen Nora for the first time. She'll be 1 year old and probably walking by then. Gosh, time flies so fast.

***

Picked up my Saturday Night Special again. This time I took Ray and Pat out to the Seawatch Restaurant at the Wailea Gold & Emerald Golf Courses. It is located in the clubhouse. On the way back I asked if Pat still owned her boutique, she doesn't, and what Ray did for a living before he retired. Oops. He hasn't retired, yet. He owns a construction engineering firm that builds those really big structures around the world. Not as active as he once was, he delagates a lot now, but still has his finger on the pulse, so to speak. They had called at home before I started my night, so I had a better than average start.

After I delivered them, I sat for over an hour until my next fare. What could I expect? Considering just how bad it has been I was actually surprised that I only had that much down-time. The second run was a money maker: Kea Lani to OGG. Sweet!! And I made it back in time to cover Ray and Pat's return to their condo. Timing was excellent. Cleared that and another "special" called, needing a ride home from work at the Four Seasons. I told her that I would be there in about 15 minutes, I was at the Long's Shopping Center. She asked if I could purchase a couple of bottles of wine for her, since she was out and we wouldn't make it to a store before package sales of alcohol ended at 11:00 PM. Made the purchase, made the pick-up and made the drop-off. For a Wednesday, things were beginning to look prosperous.

The rest of the night continued in that vein and even my dog-watch hours added nicely to the "kitty"

Both of my reliefs were in before 4:00 AM and I was "pau hana" by 4:30 AM.

Last night I was finally the pigeon rather than the statue. Thats rare. No one else even came close to me in quantity or meter.

***

It is still "cold" here. The high temp at the airport, where the NWS meteorlogical station is located, never got above 68ºf. It was brushing 59º/60º when I came home. For Kihei, that is extremely cold. We should see a change back to normal this weekend. Hopefully.

11 fares / 120 miles / 4th quarter $100 bracket

Oh, and my body bitched all night long.

Lets get together again tomorrow. Okay?

Mahalo

Aloha

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THE PICTURE GALLERY

***

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"