DAILY CHUCKLE

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

ARE YOU LISTED?

NELSON MANDELLA IS

The Terrorist Watch List, used to prevent "known" terrorists from entering America has grown to 755,000+ names. While the names on the list are a closely guarded secret, some have slipped out. If you are named David (Dave) Nelson, forget it. This not uncommon name is on the "shoot on sight" list. Which is a problem. Those old enough to remember the Ozzie & Harriett Show will recall that their oldest son is David Nelson. His parents and younger brother, Ricky, are dead now and he is a very successful businessman and producer in Hollywood. But just let him try and board a plane in America and all hell breaks loose. Are you on the list? Let us know of any hassles you've had in boarding a flight since 9/11.

Its acknowledged that some names are listed multiple times under various spellings. But 755,000? Me thinks the government has gotten a bit carried away. As soon as the National ID card is finally put into place we'll all be on it. DHS and TSA would like to extend its use to other forms of travel, like trains, buses, hitchhiking, etc. Also, they want employers to submit the names of all job applicants for cross referencing. Can't be too careful about who is asking "Do you want fries with your order", can we?

But don't worry, our Department of Justice would NEVER abuse their authority under the "Patriot Act" (ver 1.0, ver 2.0). But ocassionally the "Phoebes" (FBI) do get carried away on their fishing trips. Seems they really do want to create a dossier on every person in America. Interlinking your driving record, social security, credit card purchases, library borrowings, travel activity, school records, all police contacts (even as a victim), and medical history. I guess George Orwell DID have it right, it was just his time-line that was off.

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Damn, why couldn't this have happened to a lil' ol' piece o' property just outside of Crawford TX?

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A New York Federal District Court Judge has ordered the CIA to turn over a secret memo regarding the use of torture in the interrogation of prisoners held by our government in foreign locations. It will not be shared with the the ACLU, yet, who have sought all documents, under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), regarding how the decision to use torture was developed by the administration.

Very slowly the pieces are coming together that will, hopefully, put Dubya & Company behind bars forever.

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I think it is time for Mexico's President, Felipe Calderón, to consider hiring Blackwater to deal with security of their public officals. After Thursday's assassination of the acting Chief of the Mexican Federal Police by agents of the powerful drug cartels. Which begs the question, exactly who is running Mexico? Not the government, thats for sure.

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It has now been confirmed that the earliest known human settlement in the Americas, in present day Chile, coincides with the commonly accepted time-line for migration across the Bering Straits land bridge and southward along the coast. I am still holding to the theory that the first settlers in America were of Polynesian origin.

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With great sadness I must report that Eddy Arnold has passed. Just days short of his 90th birthday. He was the first "hillbilly" artist to transcend the limitations of his genre and make "country" music a national phenomenon. The Garth Brooks and Shania Twains of today owe their success to him.

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Were you a fan of the Fox Network TV show "24"? Then you might just recognize the lady on the left. Elisha Cuthbert, and boyfriend, are soaking up the sun in Wailea this week. I have no idea who she is. I've never watched the show. But any excuse to put up a pic of a pretty girl in a bikini is always justified.

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The time you spend here is greatly appreciated. I'll be back with more later. Happy TGIF!

Mahalo

Aloha

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THE PICTURE GALLERY

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

"Scotch, with two drops of water."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure these are jokes?

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

THE ODD(BALL)S & ENDS

LEX LUTHOR DOESN'T EXIST:
If you plan on robbing someone, don't have your photo taken by them earlier in the evening.

Didn't need CSI for this one.

Be very, very careful when choosing a fake name to give to the cops.

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BARNEY FIFE SYNDROME:
How NOT to conduct a firearms safey course.

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Are conservatives happier than liberals? Or is that just a rationalization.

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10 deadliest storms in history

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It is now possible to conduct bio-warfare over the internet.

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I guess "crime" does pay.

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Improving a child's mathematical ability by playing Mozart is a wide held concept. Now, using Möbius Strips, 3-D Ice Cream Cones and Pyramids, the geometry of music is being mapped.

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL

HERE IS TODAY'S POST

It has a bill and webbed feet like a duck, lays eggs like a bird or a reptile but also produces milk and has a coat of fur like a mammal. The genetic code of the Duck-billed Platypus has been mapped. Turns out that it is an early off-shoot of the mammalian line that has retained many characteristics of a reptile. Found only in Australia. when the first specimen was sent to Europe in the 19th century, many researchers thought it was some elaborate hoax.

In related news, the continuing study of the human genome has discovered up to 250 regions where the reference genome sequenced over 13 years may be missing information.

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In the event of a natural catastrophy or major terrorist attack, we would send the injured to the hospital, right? WRONG! It turns out that the seven major cities in the US do not have the capability to handle a sudden surge in emergency patients. Those are the big cities. Smaller communities are in even worse shape. Scary.

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In what can only be described as "Fifth Column" activity, the popular, extremely ultra-right-wing, radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has claimed victory for his "Operation Chaos". He now is endorsing Barack Obama for those Republicans that can crossover and vote in their primaries for candidates of the Democratic ticket.

American politics are more fun than a 3-ring circus.

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Of course, no country in the world can hold a candle to italy. They change governments more often than a teenage girl changes clothes.

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In the Science-Warfare Department, new technology is on the horizon that will make better bullets, mines and bombs. Looking at our history, you have to acknowledge that America is the most war-loving nation since the Roman Empire.

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Top 15 Natural Disasters of All Time

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After a peaceful 9,000 year nap, Chile's Chaitén volcano woke up in a bad mood.

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Americans hate a "quitter". We are indoctrinated from birth to never give up. Like her or not, you must recognize Clinton's tenacity.

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Thank you so much for coming over. I appreciate the company. I'll be back later with more. Enjoy your day.

Mahalo

Aloha

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THE PICTURE GALLERY

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING...

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Pasquale.

Poor Pasquale. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Pasquale quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.......



.....then all the other bells started to ring.

***

The ant and the grasshopper revised

Two Different Versions!
Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

-------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, FOX, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so ?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2008

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"