A XMAS .GIF

FOR YOU

If you need a .gif or .jpeg, just grab what you want.

ADDENDUM
Quite a few of these .gifs are animated but didn't show up that way on the post. Just click an image to find those that are in motion.

Also, the last image is a pic from inside the Vatican, taken by my co-worker, Tina, during her vacation in 2006.

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

LOCAL STYLE

Numbah One day of Christmas,
my tutu give to me
One mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Two day of Christmas,
my tutu give to me
Two coconut, an' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Tree day of Christmas,
my tutu give to me
Tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.


Numbah Foah day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Five day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Five beeg fat peeg... foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Seex day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Seex hula lesson, five beeg fat peeg (that make TEN!),
Foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Seven day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Seven shrimp a-swimmin', seex hula lesson,
Five beeg fat peeg,
foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Eight day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Eight ukulele, seven shrimp a-swimmin', seex hula lesson,
Five beeg fat peeg (that make TWENNY!),
foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Nine day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Nine pound of poi, eight ukulele, seven shrimp a-swimmin',
Seex hula lesson,
five beeg fat peeg,
foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Ten day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Ten can of beer, nine pound of poi, eight ukuklele,
seven shrimp a-swimmin', Seex hula lesson,
five beeg fat peeg,
Foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

Numbah Eleven day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Eleven missionary, ten can of beer, nine pound of poi,
Eight ukulele, seven shrimp a-swimmin', seex hula lesson,
Five beeg fat peeg,
foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree.

(Numbah Twelve day of Christmas the bes', and the bes' stuff always come las'...)

Numbah Twelve day of Christmas, my tutu give to me
Twelve TELEVISION, eleven missionary, ten can of beer, Nine pound of poi,
eight ukulele, seven shrimp a-swimmin', Seex hula lesson,
FORTY steenkin' peeg,
Foah flowah lei, tree dry squid, two coconut,
An' one mynah bird in one papaya tree!

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

VARIATIONS ON A THEME

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS


(A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS)

By: Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that ST. NICHOLAS soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, DASHER! now,DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!

On, COMET! on CUPID! on DONDER and BLITZEN!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT"

***

WUZ DA NITE BEFO' CHRISTMAS"

LOCAL PIDGIN STYLE

Wuz da nite befo' Christmas an' from hea to Wailuku,
No creetcha wuz stirrin' not even one uku.
Da Keikis wen snuggle down safe in da beds,
Big dreams of tofuti wen dance roun' da heads.
An' me wid my Primo an' Ma wid her poi,
We jus' settle down fo' one rap, - when oh Boy!
One awful big clatter come from da lanai,
I tink maybe coconuts wen fall from da sky.
I wen jump up so fas' I knock ova da chaia
I wen run to da windo to see what stay dea.
All ova da beach da kine silva moonlight
On da sand an' da sea it shinin' so bright,
I can see all da tings on da sho' plenty clea,
An' I see sumting out dea dat stay mo' plenty quea!
One tiny surfboard lyin' der on da groun'
An' eight tiny sea horses jus' swimmin' aroun'
An' one little ol surfer so lively, so quick, -
I wen tink to myself, "Ey, brah! Dat Saint Nick!"
He wuz chubby an' jolly, da kine roly poly,
An' dressed all in fur fro da chin to okole.
He had one white beard an' one little roun' belly
Dat went shake when he laugh like Tutu's guava jelly.
He wastin' no time, brah, he wen put down da sack
Dat wuz big as one mountain slung up on his back.
He got plenty good tings for all da keiki
An' he wen pile dem unda da coconut tree.
He work an' he work an' he neva pau hana
Til he put someting der fo' all da Ohana.
He wen give me one wink an' one shaka, an' - pau!
Da seahorses dey know it come time to go now!
He wen pick up da board an' he run to da ocean,
He wen harness da team an' he settem in motion.
Mo fasta dan jet planes da seahorses swum
He wen whistle an' shout an' he call 'em each one:
"Go Kimo, Go Noni! Gettum Kipo an' Lani!
Go Kona, go Pua! Geevum Kiki an' Nani"
To da cres of da wave, tru da foam an' da spray,
Dey swimmin' like crazy, dey flyin' away!

Til all I wen see on da wata out fa,
Wuz one twinkle of light like one dyin' out star.

But I hea ol Nick holla
Across da dark sea,
"Merry Christmas, da kine,
Aloha Hawai`i!"

***

WAZ ONE NIGHT BEFO' CHREESMESS

PIDGIN STYLE - version 2

Was da night befo Chreesmess when all tru da hale,
Not one crecha was stirring not even one `iole,
Da Kakini stay hang on the puka wit caya
Wit hopes dat Santa Claus soon would be dea.
Da keiki wen moemoe on top of da bed
while crackseed and mochi stay dance in deh head.
Mama in her muumuu and I in my malo,
were just finishing off da aku bone and kalo,
Wen outside da hale I heard one beeg clatta
I jumped from da table fo see whats da matta
quick tru da lumi i went like one flash
I opened the puka and run out on da grass
The moon wen shine down on da ocean so clea
gave a lusta to da wata, like frosty root bea.
When what to my maka should I suddenly see
but a double hulled canoe and eight giant mahimahi.
Wit one tiny old paddla, so lively and quick,
That I knew in one minute gotta be St Nick.
More fas dane one mo`o his i`a dey came
an he screaming and yelling and calling dey name
Now Kini, now Kimo, now Kale and Moke,
On Ha`a, on Umi on Limu and Loke,
sweem ova da waves by da light of da moon,
now wait in da wata, I gon come back soon.
Like pupu they stay on da deep ocean flooa
when da wata stat swirling dey come to da shore
so up to the village in Honolulu
with a canoe full of toys and Santa Claus too.
An den in one twinkle, I heard on da wall,
da mele and hula, soun like half-time futball
As I run in da hale and just turn aroun
down came da beeg guy, some tree hundred fifty pound.
He was dress in one malo and kihei all in red
wit one matching papale on top of his head
one package of toys he had trown on his back
and mango and papaya in a lauhala pack
his maka, wen twinkle, his deemple so merry
his cheeks was all rosy, his nose like one cherry
his waha niho ole, was smilin so beeg
and da beard on his `auwae was smoothe as one peeg
he had one tan face, and a beeg fat opu
that shook when he laugh, like a bowl of pipi stew
he was oh so momona, a cute ol kane
and I wen laugh wen I see him, he jus look so funny
One wink of his eye and one twis of his head
soon went let me know I had noting to dread,
he spoke not one word but wen shtraight to his work
filling all the kakini; then he turn wit one jerk
and he wen put his finga on da side of his ihu
and giving one nod ran out to his canoe,
He wen spring on top his noho, an made one beeg whistle
and waway they wen swam like one rocket ship missle
but I heard him wen say on the waves as he go
Mele Kalikimaka, a me hau`oli makahiki hou!

***

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

LAWYER STYLE

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as “I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted,
s./ The Grinch

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

The Best Christmas Fruit Cake

Recipe You Ever Tried!

Guaranteed to be fun to make!

Christmas Whiskey Cake

1 cup butter

2 cups sugar

6 large eggs

2 teaspoons baking powder

3 cups flour, sifted

1/2 t. salt

1 cup bourbon

1 pound pecans, chopped

3 cups white raisins (or use candied fruit)

1 t. nutmeg

AND

~ a very large bottle of bourbon whiskey

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again.

To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat this step.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large

fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup.

Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl,

then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner.

Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow.

Add 2 dried anything.

If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with

a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares???

Check the whiskey again.

Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table.

And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left.

Grease the oven.

Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window.

Lick the batter off the floor.

Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees.

Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

YOU GOTTA LOVE

GARFIELD

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

CATS & DOGS

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers


...then buy a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...


...then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies . !


...then buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores


...then buy a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..


...then buy a dog.



BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,



.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

***

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND

When women have REAL trouble, it's a

HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

HOME DEPOT

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"

PARADISE

WHERE SANTA COMES TO "CHILL"

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"Let's all be careful out there!"

BAH! HUMBUG!

THE DARK SIDE OF THE HOLIDAYS

(all images enlarge - just click)

^^^Click For Animation ^^^

Over The Limit?
UNDER ARREST!
Please don't drink and drive

"Let's all be careful out there!"