OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

"LITTLE DAVIE"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

***

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"

***

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

***

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, " Davie What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the "10 most wanted" criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

Poipu Beach

Near Pa'ia

Down Makena Way

North Kihei

Diving Molokini

***

"Let's all be careful out there!"

A GORGEOUS START

TO A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT

Checked in and was #2 in the Wailea queue. Thats a positive sign. Found out that there were only 5 cabs working. Positive sign #2. Then we sat, waiting for the phone to ring.

At 7:45p, finally, we had 3 calls to cover. Hardin (#25), last nights dispatcher, TMR (#27) and ONE-NINE were the first three cabs and we were parked on the far end of the Shops At Wailea north parking lot, "shooting the shit".

Hardin says to me:

"You been to the airport yet?"
"Hell, I haven't had a RUN yet."
"How about you, Alex (TMR)?"
"Yeah, I just got back. Don't you remember?"
"Heh, heh. Yeah, I just forgot. I've had an airport also, so why don't you take this one Wil. An 8 o'clock from Wailea Beach Villas. Three people to OGG."

I flashed him my best one-tooth smile and hit the road.

A great threesome from the mainland. Towards the end of the trip one of the ladies comments that this had been one of the more pleasant and memorable cab rides she had ever had. She said I was as good as the "Black" cabbies in London.

Can't ask for better than that. Can I?

Returned to town and then things started moving. One of the two day shift holdovers had gone "pau hana" and we had 4 cabs rolling constantly thru bar close. Just enough of a lull between calls to not make the evening seem pressed. By 2a, the night crew had all "10-2'd" (end-of-shift). I was refueling at the Tesoro station in Azeka Makai. At the Chevron station, next door, my buddy, Nick Krau (DUI enforcement officer - MPD), was on an enforcement stop. As I was returning to ONE-NINE, after paying, he called out to me,

"Wil! You still working?"
"All night, Nick."
"These folks are going to need a ride."
"No problem. I'll be right over."

A pleasantly intoxicated 4-some. Headed to the Royal Lahaina Resort, in Ka'anapali. Nick had given the driver a major break and me a great fare.

At the very beginning of the ride the driver complained about the cost of having to take a taxi back to their hotel. AND the fact that he was going to have to take ANOTHER cab back today to retrieve his PT Cruiser convertible.

"Mister." I piped up. "Nick just saved you about $820."
"Who's Nick?"
"That police officer, who DIDN'T arrest for drunk driving. This ride is going to cost you somewhere between $80 and $90. Figure the same amount for your return. If he had taken you into custody it would have been $1,000, CASH bail to get released. No checks. No credit cards. Strictly 'cash on the barrelhead'."

He sat quietly for a long time. Maybe, just maybe, something of what I said had worked its way into his ethanol sponge brain.

Had one puker last night. Part of a three-some, 2 guys and a gal, going from Wailea to north Kihei. The couple sat in the rear and their "third-wheel" sidekick rode "shotgun". Just as we reached the street end of the Four Season's drive, the young lady asked if she could open her window. She was feeling a bit queasy. That window was down as fast as the electric motor could move it. Continued north, on the highway, and, just as we were approaching Lipoa Street, "shotgun" blurts out:

"PULL OVER!"

I was in the breakdown lane in an eye blink. His window was already down, thank god, and as ONE-NINE came to a stop he started shouting "Europe". At least that what it sounded like. Also, he would belch out an occasional "Ralph". The couple started giving him a good razzing as we completed the trip.
The other guy, sitting right behind him, said:

"I think I'll keep my window up for the rest of the way."

Everybody, but "shotgun", broke up laughing.

I cleared and was given another assignment but I went to the closest gas station to wash down the right side of ONE-NINE.

Surprise!

He hadn't fouled the interior nor the exterior. Every cabbie out there knows how rare that is.

Tastings is now history. Replaced by Fat Daddy's. The pix tells you as much as I know.

This is the 4th business in that location in the past 6 years.

Oh! How good was last night?

• 169 miles (272 km / 0.000000000028748765769431
  997796345967799425125122070
  3125 light years)
• 12 fares
• Metered upper end of the $200 bracket

***

This Monday is a State holiday. "King Kamehameha I Day" honors the first ruler of ALL the Hawai'ian Islands. Federal offices open but all State and County offices closed, along with the banks and those schools on a year-round schedule.

Depending on where you are, enjoy the rest of this Sunday or get ready to face Monday. I think most of the "Commonwealth" nations have a holiday this Monday, also, to officially celebrate the Queens birthday. Which really isn't on Monday. She was born 21 April 1926.

See ya tomorrow, I hope.

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

Lahaina

Polo Beach

Wailea Beach

Ka'anapali Beach

Black Sand Beach

***

89217



"Let's all be careful out there!"

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

Moody sky at sunset.

Got the ball rolling at exactly 7p. Had the phone at 7:01p. There was only one reservation, to OGG.

The owner assigned that to me as a "dispatcher special". His way of saying "Thank you" to each night's dispatcher. Those who refuse to "Hold The Phone" miss out on this perk.

It wasn't busy but we did stay steady for most of the shift. Started the night with 8 cabs and finished with 5. Two left on their own volition. The third I told, shortly past midnight, "Its past you bedtime. Why don't you call it a night." Within seconds the phone rang. It was him. He was pissed but not vulgar. He questioned my authority. Then told me that he was exempt from that rule. There are no exemptions. The longer we spoke the louder he got. Eventually overloading the audio capability of his mike and my earpiece.

As far as dispatching went last night, I'd grade myself as a B+. I kept losing track of one cab. Forgetting his position in the line-up or even that he was there. Below the standards I set for myself. Its been a long time since I've had a challenging night playing "coach" to our team of cabs. Nights so overwhelmed with calls that I do triage on the incoming requests, only accepting the best $$ fares for my drivers. Often diverting someone from a non-contract assigned call to cover a different one that will be double, or more, on the meter.

That is when the "game" is fun.

Covered 15 runs during the shift and easily broke $200 on the meter. I won't be able to get a pic of ONE-NINE's odometer when it reads all 8s. It read 88865. 23 miles short. With the "specials" I was able to line up for "Murph", ONE-NINE's day wrangler, he'll probably add another 140 miles.

Last night, The new security force at the "Triangle" blocked off all entrances to the area in front of Bada Bings and Lulu's. The entire parking lot. We couldn't make pick-ups or drop-offs. Plan "B" was to have our fares meet us at the Unocal-76 gas station, right across the street.

As we approached bar close, my tolerance level for stupid callers diminished. At hyper-sonic speed.

One more night to go.

Check back tomorrow for the continuing saga of Poverty in Paradise.

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

Wailea Beach

Pa'ia Beach

Koki Beach

Just Another Mau'i Beach

Black Sand Beach

***

"Let's all be careful out there!"

ANY IMPROVEMENT, HOWEVER SLIGHT

IS STILL AN IMPROVEMENT


The trade winds finally wrapped around the mountain to Kihei yesterday afternoon. Dropped the humidity drastically and enhanced sleeping conditions. Of course, yesterday was "Laundry Day" and I had to get up earlier than usual, thus negating the benefits. It is still pretty cloudy at sunset, as evidenced by these images.

The large one is looking north along Wailea Alanui Avenue. Across from the Fairmont, Kea Lani. The smaller image is looking northwest. About halfway between the Diamond Resort and the Wailea Blue Golf Course, where Mulligans is located, at the southern end of Wailea.

***

It was an active night, at least at the beginning. Finally got a run to OGG (its been a loooong time) and, on the way back, obtained a new handsfree headset. Not the exact one I wanted but it will serve the purpose until I can locate an "EarGlove". By 10p business ground to a standstill. We had 7 cabs working, which was 4 more than we needed. No one had left by 11p, so I went home until the overload eradicated itself. I am available by phone if there is a sudden need. I can be anywhere in Wailea and Kihei within 10 minutes, from my home.

About 8:15p I surpassed all of Tuesday's meter. Passed Wednesday's at 10p. Wrangled in 2 bar closes and also had one on the "dog watch". It wasn't by much but, for the first time this week, it was over $100. Drove 87 miles (140 km). Only used 5-1/2 gallons(US) (20.8 liters) of gas.

Around 1a, "Crazy" Brian excitedly radioed me that there was a HUGE grass fire burning near Judy's place. I went by and checked it out. It was three blocks from Judy's.

First, it wasn't HUGE, maybe 50' (15m) per side.

Second, the Fire Department was there. Very effectively protecting some exposed structures with a "water curtain" and knocking down the flames. There wasn't even enough light being emitted to get a noteworthy pic.

Third, there was no wind and the fire wasn't spreading rapidly. Even though "Crazy" is 45 years old, he is as excitable as a 13 year old.

A new bar has opened where Hapa's and Horitos Mexican Restaurant used to be. It is called LIQUIDS. I think the "Grand Opening" is this weekend. They are going to follow the pattern of the defunct Tsunami's and Fire Dragon. Dress code, etc. We'll see how long it lasts.

Ambrosia (formerly Neptune's and La Jazzeree before that) is still under construction in the "Triangle". The time estimates given to me by the construction crew have yet to be correct, so I am now guessing the week of July Fourth.

***

Tonight is my date with the phone. I hope that we are very busy. I need the money and I need to give my "mental muscles" a good stretch & workout.

I hope you can stop in tomorrow. If not, have a great weekend.

Mahalo

Aloha

---

THE PICTURE GALLERY

Sprecklesville

Near Mama's Fish House

Kapalua Beach

Ho'okipa Beach

Black Sand Beach

***

88735



"Let's all be careful out there!"

DID YOU HEAR?

THEY NOW HAVE M^cDONALD'S IN AFRICA

***

A new security company took over the "Triangle" last night. Rather than 1 or 2 people on the property, there are now 6. Property management is making a very definitive statement about their intentions to take back control from the punks who think they can do as they please.
All of these new guys are very physically fit and

B I G!

I wish them the best of luck.

I think their approach is going to be more assertive than passive.

***

Its all a matter of perspective. Compared to Tuesday night, last night was almost 100% better. Compared to last year, it sucked. Royally.

This morning's moonrise had a gothic feel.

The only fares of interest were a guy that I picked up from his job at a restaurant in south-central Kihei. Apparently there had been a SNAFU with him being picked up early yesterday morning. I tried to resolve the issue and said I would check out what the problem was. That wasn't satisfactory for him. He, basically, wanted the drivers fired. The company sold. The owner shot. I made three attempts to reach an equitable understanding, unsuccessfully. When we reached his residence, he refused to pay. I could call the cops.

Not a problem. Advised dispatch that I needed the police at my location for a "Refuse To Pay". 5 seconds later, a $20 bill landed on the front passenger seat. I canceled the MPD request. I don't think he is ever going to ride with me again. Feces occurs.

The other interesting ride was actually a split pickup. TMR (#27) had dropped a 6-pax at Denny's just before bar close. At 20 past 2a I get the request to return them to the Wailea Marriott. I re-advised the lady calling that I would have to do 2 trips. 4 is my max passenger load. Got the first 3 at 2:30a. From California, Maryland and Rhode Island, they have been partying for the past week. Celebrating their college graduation. Nice set of kids. The second set were from California. Pepperdine graduates. The girl was talkative. The guy in the left rear was quiet and the guy in the right rear hung his head out the window, barfing the entire 2 mile (3.2 km) ride. 99.999% of his stomach contents made it out the window and down the side of ONE-NINE. Quick hose job fixed that.

***

Don't forget to enter the 100K contest. Entries will be accepted until ONE-NINE reaches 99K.

Everybody have a spectacular day. Me? I am off to bed. See ya tomorrow. Ta-ta.

Mahalo

Aloha

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THE PICTURE GALLERY

Black Sand Beach

Ho'okipa Beach

Kanaha Beach Park

Molokini

"Secret" Beach

***

88648


"Let's all be careful out there!"