DAILY CHUCKLE 8-199

"Let's all be careful out there!"

HAVE A NICE DAY

I have gone over 24 hours without a cigarette. The only notable change is that I have lost most of my sense of humor.

Later.


"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 16TH

***

Today is Wednesday, July 16, the 198th day of 2008. There are 168 days left in the year.
Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 16, 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb, in the desert of Alamogordo, N.M.

On this date:

• In 1790, the District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government.
• In 1862, David G. Farragut became the first rear admiral in the United States Navy.
• In 1935, the first parking meters were installed, in Oklahoma City.
• In 1957, Marine Maj. John Glenn set a transcontinental speed record by flying a jet from California to New York in 3 hours, 23 minutes and 8 seconds.
• In 1958, the science-fiction film "The Fly" opened in San Francisco.
• In 1964, in accepting the Republican presidential nomination in San Francisco, Barry M. Goldwater said "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice" and that "moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."
• In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Fla., on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
• In 1973, during the Senate Watergate hearings, former White House aide Alexander P. Butterfield publicly revealed the existence of President Nixon's secret taping system.
• In 1979, Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq.
• In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their single-engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

Ten years ago:

• The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia refused to block Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr from calling President Clinton's Secret Service protectors before a grand jury.

Five years ago:

• The Environmental Protection Agency announced it was starting big-money, long-term cleanups at 10 Superfund toxic waste sites and putting 10 other sites aside for later.
• A car driven by 87-year-old George Russell Weller plowed through a farmer's market in Santa Monica, Calif., killing 10 people and injuring more than 70. (Weller was convicted of manslaughter and was sentenced to five years of probation.)
• Cuban-born "Queen of Salsa" Celia Cruz died in Fort Lee, N.J., at age 77.

One year ago:

• Declaring a "moment of choice" in the Middle East, President Bush said he would call Israel, the Palestinians and others in the region to a peace conference.
• A man carrying a gun and declaring "I am the emperor" was shot and killed by security outside the offices of Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter.
• A 6.8-magnitude earthquake on Japan's northwest coast killed 11 people and caused radioactive leaks at the world's most powerful nuclear power plant.

Today's Birthdays:

• Former Attorney General Dick Thornburgh is 76.
• Soul singer William Bell is 69.
• Actor Corin Redgrave is 69.
• Former tennis player Margaret Court is 66.
• Violinist Pinchas Zukerman is 60.
• Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 60.
• Rock composer-musician Stewart Copeland is 56.
• Dancer Michael Flatley is 50.
• Actress Phoebe Cates is 45.
• Country singer Craig Morgan is 44.
• Actor-comedian Will Ferrell is 41.
• Actress Rain Pryor is 39.
• Actor Corey Feldman is 37.
• Rock musician Ed Kowalczyk (Live) is 37.
• Rock singer Ryan McCombs (Drowning Pool) is 34.
• Actress AnnaLynne McCord is 21.
• Actor Mark Indelicato ("Ugly Betty") is 14.

Thought for Today:

"The fear of becoming a 'has been' keeps some people from becoming anything."
Eric Hoffer, American author-philosopher (1902-1983).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-198

"Let's all be careful out there!"

WASN'T THERE A...

MOVIE ABOUT THIS?

You would think that San Francisco, which sits a the north end of the fabled "Silicon Valley", would have contingency plans for this. The perp sits in jail, unable to make his $5,000,000 bail, but you've got to wonder what "surprises" he may have installed. Hmmm. I think I would have one that wire transfers all the city's liquid assets to a series of numbered off-shore bank accounts, each of which would have very specific instructions of what to do when the transfer was made. He probably didn't think that far ahead.

Want to have fun experiencing the 1880's in Vancouver BC? No power. No phones. No air conditioning. Hurry, this is a limited time offer. TPC (The Power Company) should have everything back to normal later today.

As if I didn't already have a full plate of worries about global warming.

The Northern San Joaquin Valley of California retained its status as America's foreclosure capital during June. San Joaquin County ranked No. 1, Merced County No. 2 and Stanislaus County No. 3 for foreclosure filings last month. Stanislaus is where I am. San Joaquin is the county north and Merced is the county south.

Talk about a rough way to start a LEO career.

Running behind this morning. Have a great day. Thanks for your visit.

"Let's all be careful out there!"

FLYING

From something called "Electric Oyster." Control your flight path with the cursor as you soar over sno-capped mountains. Probably requires a broadband connection. It is a total waste of your time but is relaxing.

Are you brave enough to watch FoxNews for 24 hours straight? This guy made a valiant effort. He can have visitors on Sunday afternoons.

I have definitely returned to the land of the weird. That's the city I live in.

Judge to drug dealer:

"Not only is it illegal, but you’re not very good at it, given the number of times you’ve been caught."

A contender for the LLDE list.

BEER - THE NEW REALITY SHOW:

• act 1 - Amateur drinker spends $1.000 a week on beer. Wants to turn "pro".
• act 2 - Suspected beer thief leaves liquid trail.
• act 3 - O J Simpson wants you to buy him a beer. He'll meet you out back, behind the stairs. Bring your own utensils and sports memorabilia.

Marie Antoinette is alive and well. And running the State Health Agency in Florida, under an assumed name.

"Just because you're poor doesn't mean you're unhealthy; it just means you have a lot more time to go running."

Obviously the writer of this LA Times news bit must have been short on his weekly "words in print" quota:

Why Is There Traffic In Los Angeles?

Are you a good dancer? Me neither. Which is why I'll stay away from this place.



"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 15TH

***

Today is Tuesday, July 15, the 197th day of 2008. There are 169 days left in the year.

Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 15, 1971, President Nixon startled the country by announcing he would visit the People's Republic of China.

On this date:

• In 1606, Dutch painter Rembrandt was born in Leiden, Netherlands.
• In 1870, Georgia became the last Confederate state readmitted to the Union.
• In 1870, Manitoba entered confederation as the 5th Canadian province.
• In 1918, the Second Battle of the Marne, resulting in an Allied victory, began during World War I.
• In 1948, President Truman was nominated for another term of office by the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia.
• In 1958, President Eisenhower ordered U.S. Marines to Lebanon, at the request of that country's president, Camille Chamoun, in the face of a perceived threat by Muslim rebels.
• In 1964, Sen. Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona was nominated for president by the Republican National Convention in San Francisco.
• In 1976, a 36-hour kidnap ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, Calif., by three gunmen and imprisoned in an underground cell. (The captives escaped unharmed.)
• In 1978, President Carter, in West Germany for an economic summit, presided over a "town meeting" during which he fielded questions from about 1,000 Berliners.
• In 1997, fashion designer Gianni Versace was shot dead outside his Miami home; suspected gunman Andrew Phillip Cunanan was found dead eight days later.

Ten years ago:

• Three days of ceremonies to bury Russia's last czar and his family, who were killed by the Bolsheviks, began in the city of Yekaterinburg.
• The Congressional Budget Office estimated federal surpluses of $1.55 trillion over the next decade.

Five years ago:

• The Bush administration dramatically raised its budget deficit projections to $455 billion for the current fiscal year and $475 billion for the next, record levels fed by the limp economy, tax cuts and the battle against terrorism.
• Scott McClellan assumed his duties as White House press secretary.
• Philadelphia's archbishop, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua, retired.
• Tex Schramm, who turned the Dallas Cowboys into "America's Team," died in Dallas at age 83.
  
• American-born singer Elisabeth Welch died in London at age 99.
• The American League beat the National League in the All-Star baseball game 7-6.

One year ago:

• The Roman Catholic archdiocese of Los Angeles announced it was settling clergy sex-abuse cases for $660 million.
• The Philadelphia Phillies lost their 10,000th game, 10-2, to the visiting St. Louis Cardinals.

Today's Birthdays:

• Actor Philip Carey is 83.
• Author Clive Cussler is 77.
• Actor Alex Karras is 73.
• Actor Ken Kercheval is 73.
• Sen. George V. Voinovich, R-Ohio, is 72.
• Actor Patrick Wayne is 69.
• Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 64.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Millie Jackson is 64.
• Rock singer-musician Peter Lewis (Moby Grape) is 63.
• Singer Linda Ronstadt is 62.
• Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 60.
• Actor Terry O'Quinn is 56.
• Rock musician Marky Ramone is 52.
• Rock musician Joe Satriani is 52.
• Country singer-songwriter Mac McAnally is 51.
• Model Kim Alexis is 48.
  
• Actor Willie Aames is 48.
• Actor-director Forest Whitaker is 47.
• Actress Lolita Davidovich is 47.
• Actress Brigitte Nielsen is 45.
• Rock musician Jason Bonham is 42.
• Actor Kristoff St. John is 42.
• Rock musician Phillip Fisher is 41.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Stokey (Mint Condition) is 41.
• Actor-comedian Eddie Griffin is 40.
• Actor Stan Kirsch is 40.
• Actor Reggie Hayes is 39.
• Rock musician John Dolmayan is 36.
• Actor Scott Foley is 36.
• Actor Brian Austin Green is 35.
• Rapper Jim Jones is 32.
• Actress Lana Parrilla is 31.
• Rock musician Ray Toro (My Chemical Romance) is 31.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Kia Thornton (Divine) is 27.

Thought for Today:

"It is astonishing what force, purity, and wisdom it requires for a human being to keep clear of falsehoods."
Margaret Fuller, American journalist and social critic (1810-1850).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-197

"Let's all be careful out there!"

A QUICK TRIP

AROUND THE NEWS BLOCK

In case you aren't busy worrying about terrorists, global warming and the plummeting economy, the latest menace to society: blue inflatable pools.

She hits a tree. She is drunk. 9 times the legal limit drunk. Of course, she only drinks on days that have a "Y" in them.

The Amish in Kentucky do not want to display slow-moving vehicle emblems on their horse-drawn buggies because they say the signs are "too worldly"

Playboy to feature "the Girls of Olive Garden". In a complete surprise, the "Girls Of Waffle House" didn't test market very well

Good news: "professional and discreet...a 10-day guarantee...100% professional we don't charge in advance".
Bad news: Classified ads for hitmen in Mexico

TSA looking into "possible unauthorized release of sensitive and classified information to the news media" after report that less than 1% of flights carry air marshals.

Of the 170,000 gasoline stations in America, some 8,000 have pumps that can't be adjusted to today's prices. So, if the price looks too good to be true, it probably isn't.

Now that wildfires in California are coming under control, the mudslides have started

If you're going to the embassy to get your passport renewed, you might want to take the $4,000 worth of crack out of your purse first

Once again, if airport security guards ask what you have in your carry-on luggage, don't tell them "parts of a Kalashnikov"

As always, thanks for the time you spend with me.


"Let's all be careful out there!"

A MEANINGLESS GESTURE

BY A MEANINGLESS PRESIDENT


In mythology there is a story about a king who wanted to prove how powerful he was. So one day he decided to establish his strength by stopping the incoming tide. Obviously he failed and his subjects knew he was not embodied with divine powers.

The rescinding of the Executive Order, originally issued by his father, that banned offshore oil drilling by Bush today is just about the same. Bush thinks that his symbolic gesture will force the resumption of this dangerous activity. Trying to put a guilt trip on members of Congress who oppose this action. He'll start hawking about the apathy of congressional leaders for prolonging the dependence on foreign oil. What he really wants is for them to join him in the gang rape of the enviornment. He is incapable of providing a quick-fix (BTW - there isn't one) to our energy crisis.

Lets presume that Dubya gets his wish list granted. The Alaska National Wildlife Reserve is opened. The coasts of Florida, the Gulf States, California, Oregon, Washington and Alaska are forested in oil rigs for as far as the eye can see (isn't that a pleasing image). Will that provide immediate relief? Not unless your definition of immediate is about 10 years. In 10 years, the price of crude will probably be over $1,000 a barrel. Making the cost of a gallon of gasoline in America to be well over $100 a gallon.

Following the yellow brick road, in this case covered in carcasses of oil slicked birds, is just perpetuating the situation we are already in. In that same 10 years we could be virtually independent of the need for oil. Yes, life for all of us will be different but isn't that what we really need and want.

"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 14TH

***

Today is Monday, July 14, the 196th day of 2008. There are 170 days left in the year.

Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 14, 1789, during the French Revolution, citizens of Paris stormed the Bastille prison and released the seven prisoners inside.

On this date:

• In 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a federal crime to publish false, scandalous or malicious writing about the United States government.
• In 1853, Commodore Matthew Perry relayed to Japanese officials a letter from President Fillmore, requesting trade relations. (Fillmore's term of office had already expired by the time the letter was delivered.)
• In 1858, British suffragist Emmeline Pankhurst was born in Manchester, England.
• In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Fort Sumner, N.M.
• In 1908, the short film "The Adventures of Dollie," the first movie directed by D.W. Griffith, opened in New York.
• In 1913, Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr., the 38th president of the United States, was born Leslie Lynch King Jr. in Omaha, Neb.
• In 1933, all German political parties, except the Nazi Party, were outlawed.
• In 1958, the army of Iraq overthrew the monarchy.
• In 1966, eight student nurses were murdered by Richard Speck in a Chicago dormitory.
• In 1978, Soviet dissident Natan Sharansky was convicted of treasonous espionage and anti-Soviet agitation, and sentenced to 13 years at hard labor. (Sharansky was released in 1986.)

Ten years ago:

• Northern Ireland said a tear-filled farewell to Richard, Mark and Jason Quinn, three young brothers burned to death in a sectarian attack in Ballymoney that came as they slept.

Five years ago:

• Iraq's new governing council, in its first full day on the job, voted to send a delegation to the U.N. Security Council and assert its right to represent Baghdad on the world stage.
• President Bush, facing questions about his credibility, said the United States was working overtime to prove Saddam Hussein was developing weapons of mass destruction before the United States invaded Iraq.

One year ago:

• North Korea told the United States it had shut down its nuclear reactor, hours after a ship cruised into port loaded with oil promised in return for the country's pledge to disarm.
• Former presidents, fellow first ladies and about 1,800 other people attended a private funeral in Austin, Texas, for Lady Bird Johnson, the widow of President Lyndon B. Johnson.

Today's Birthdays:

• Playwright Arthur Laurents is 91.
• Actor Dale Robertson is 85.
• Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 82.
• Actress Nancy Olson is 80.
• Actress Polly Bergen is 78.
• Former football player Rosey Grier is 76.
• Actor Vincent Pastore is 62.
• Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 59.
• Actor Jerry Houser is 56.
• Actor-director Eric Laneuville is 56.
• Actor Stan Shaw is 56.
• Movie producer Scott Rudin is 50.
• Singer-guitarist Kyle Gass is 48.
• Country musician Ray Herndon (McBride and the Ride) is 48.
• Actor Jackie Earle Haley is 47.
• Actor Matthew Fox is 42.
• Rock musician Ellen Reid (Crash Test Dummies) is 42.
• Rock singer-musician Tonya Donelly is 42.
• Actress Missy Gold is 38.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Tameka Cottle (Xscape) is 33.
• Hip-hop musician taboo (Black Eyed Peas) is 33.
• Actor Scott Porter is 29.

Thought for Today:

"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone among smiling enemies."
Elizabeth Bowen, Irish novelist (1899-1973).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-196

"Let's all be careful out there!"

IT WAS A QUIET WEEKEND

WASN'T IT?

Not like 219 years ago.
Today is "Fête Nationale" or "quatorze juillet". Better known in the USA as Bastille Day.



Drunk man, believing someone is chasing him, crashes car into fence, runs into stranger's house at 2AM, begins yanking down curtains. Then, things get weird.

Iran announces discovery of new billion-barrel oil field on their territory. It's almost as if they're "asking" to be invaded.

Bad: Stealing gas from a parked car.
Stupid: It was a unmarked police car.

US may begin to withdraw troops from Iraq in September. It's like there's some event scheduled in the Fall that could hinge on this

Air Traffic Controller wanted.
Application available ib Braille.

On the road to La Casa Blanca, sometimes the truth hurts.


DOGS & CATS
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

• 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

Have a good Monday. Hope to see you again real soon. Thanks for coming by.

"Let's all be careful out there!"