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Saturday, February 25, 2006



"Good evening, Royal Cab. This is Wil."

""Is this a taxi company?"

"Yes, This is Royal Cab."

"Is this a taxi company?"

"Yes it is. How may I assist you?"

"I need a taxi."

"Okay. Where are you at?"


"Could you be a little more specific."

"South Kihei."

"Where in south Kihei?"

"South Kihei road."

"Sir, south Kihei road is 7 miles long. Where are you at right now?"

"I want to go to the 'Triangle'."

"Fantastic. We are more than happy to take you to the 'Triangle', we just need to know where to pick you up at."

"Oh yeah. I am in Kihei."

"Good evening. Royal Cab. This is Wil."

"How long to get a cab?"

"Where are you at?"

"Kihei. How long to get a cab?"

"Ma'am, where in Kihei are you?"

"Cassorole Dunes."

"Do you mean Kamaole Sands?"

"Yeah, that's it."

Which building are you staying in?"

"I don't know."

Well, ma'am. Kam Sands has ten buildings and I need to know which one to send the cab to."

"Can I call you back?"

"Sure. Aloha."


And thats how it goes for the next 12 hours.


Apparently there is also a Royal Cab in Honolulu. I am always getting calls from tourists who dialed 4-1-1 from there and were routed to me. Honolulu is 100 miles and 3 islands northwest of Mau'i.

About a year ago, I got a call from someone wanting to confirm their limo reservations for the "Oscars". Apparently there is a "Royal Limo Service" somewhere in southern California.

"Aloha, where are we headed to tonight?"

"Take me to a 'tittie bar!'"

"Uh, sir. We don't have 'tittie bars' on Mau'i."


Yes sir. The only 'tittie bars' in Hawai'i are in Honolulu."

"Okay. Take me to Honolulu."

"Sir, Honolulu is 100 miles away..."

"I don't care. Take me there."

"... and there are no bridges between the islands. To get to Honolulu, you have to fly."

"What do you mean there are no bridges. What a fucked up place this is. Okay, take me to the airport."

"Sir, the airport is closed and the next flight to Honolulu isn't until 6:25 in the morning."

"This place is really fucked up. You come here and you're trapped. Take me to my hotel."

"Okay, which hotel are you staying at sir?"

"I don't know."

Another Friday night.