Paradise Driver: 09/16/08

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

"Let's all be careful out there!"

SEPTEMBER 16TH

Today in History

Today is Tuesday, Sept. 16, the 260th day of 2008.
There are 106 days left in the year.

Today's Highlight in History:

One hundred years ago, on Sept. 16, 1908, General Motors was formed in Flint, Mich., by William Durant.

On this date:

In 1498, Tomas de Torquemada, notorious for his role in the Spanish Inquisition, died in Avila, Spain.
In 1810, Mexico began its successful revolt against Spanish rule.
In 1893, more than 100,000 settlers swarmed onto a section of land in Oklahoma known as the "Cherokee Strip."
In 1919, the American Legion was formally chartered by an act of Congress.
In 1940, President Roosevelt signed into law the Selective Training and Service Act, which set up the first peacetime military draft in U.S. history; Samuel T. Rayburn of Texas was elected Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
In 1966, the Metropolitan Opera opened its new opera house at New York's Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts.
In 1968, Republican presidential nominee Richard Nixon exclaimed, "Sock it to ME?" in a taped bit for the NBC-TV comedy program "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In."
In 1977, Maria Callas, the American-born prima donna famed for her lyric soprano and fiery temperament, died in Paris at age 53.
In 1982, the massacre of hundreds of Palestinian men, women and children by Israeli-allied Lebanese militiamen began in west Beirut's Sabra and Chatilla refugee camps.
In 1988, Hurricane Gilbert slammed into the Mexico coast for the second time in three days.

Ten years ago:

In his first news conference since the release of Kenneth Starr's graphic report, President Clinton said he'd told "the essential truth" about his affair with Monica Lewinsky; as for whether he might resign, Clinton responded that Americans "want me to go on."
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde, responding to a report in an Internet publication, Salon Magazine, admitted to "indiscretions" with a woman in the 1960s at a time when both were married.

Five years ago:

North Carolina Sen. John Edwards formally launched his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Actor-singer Sheb Wooley died in Nashville, Tenn., at age 82.

One year ago:

A deadly shooting in Baghdad involving the U.S. security firm Blackwater USA left 17 Iraqi civilians dead.
A One-Two-Go Airlines passenger plane crashed on the island of Phuket, Thailand, killing 89 people.
O.J. Simpson was arrested in the alleged armed robbery of sports memorabilia collectors in Las Vegas.
The Phoenix Mercury beat the Detroit Shock 108-92 to win their first WNBA title.
"The Sopranos" claimed its final Emmy award as best dramatic series; "30 Rock" won best comedy series.

Today's Birthdays: