THE FRENCH

Back round 1776, if it had not been for the French Navy, the revolution, might have turned out a little different. They helped make these United States of America...

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes.
Mark Twain

I would rather have a German division in front of me
than a French one behind me.
General George S. Patton

Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your accordion.
Norman Schwartzkopf

We can stand here like the French, or we can do
something about it.
Marge Simpson

As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.
Jacques Chirac, President of France

The only time France wants us to go to war is when
the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.
Regis Philbin

You know, the French remind me a little bit of an
aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to
dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for
it.
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it
came marching into Paris under a German flag.
David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who
lives in Canada.
Ted Nugent

War without France would be like .. World War II.

The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right
now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.
Tom Brokaw

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that
exerted more of its national will fighting against
Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?
Dennis Miller

It is important to remember that the French have
always been there when they needed us.
Alan Kent

They've taken their own precautions against
al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman
is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house.
Argus Hamilton

Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle
that was being advertised on eBay the other day --
the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

The French will only agree to go to war when we've
proven we've found truffles in Iraq.
Dennis Miller

What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army
as they entered the city in WWII?

"Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"

Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend
Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried.
Rep. R. Blount, MO

Do you know it only took Germany three days to
conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was
raining.
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government
announced after the London bombings that it has
raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The
only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and
COLLABORATE. The rise in the alert level was
precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, effectively disabling
their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris,
March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is
imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro
Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly
fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles
outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby
French Army garrison to surrender to a group of
Czech tourists.

"Let's all be careful out there!"

SPOT THE COWBOY...

You see three men in cowboy hats, in a pickup.

Can you pick out the real cowboy?

Its the one in the middle.

The one on the right has to get out and open and close the gates.

The one on the left has to drive...

"Let's all be careful out there!"

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...
He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to get'r done).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tell me someone stole the tent.'

"Let's all be careful out there!"