DAILY CHUCKLE 8-200

"Let's all be careful out there!"

MIDNIGHT VIDEOS

When Pat Sajak left the daytime edition of Wheel Of Fortune, he went out in style:

I don't know about the rest but I think he nailed the Bush face:

Iran's Shahab-3 launch:

Burn After Watching :


Doesn't this sound like something from Penthouse Forums?

Maybe one of my readers from Oz could define "hoon" for the rest of us.

Editorial cartoonists "disappearing faster than brunette anchors at Fox News"

Its TGIF!!
Have a great weekend, everybody.

I'll be here over the weekend if you want to drop over.

"Let's all be careful out there!"

POSITION AVAILABLE

PARENT

TITLE:

• Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma.
• Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop.

JOB DESCRIPTION:

• Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
• Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
• Travel expenses not reimbursed.Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

• The rest of your life.
• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
• Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
• Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next.
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

• None.
• Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

• None required (unfortunately).
• On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

• Get this! You pay them!
• Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
• A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
• When you die, you give them whatever is left
• The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

• While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** FOOTNOTE **
'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 17TH

***

Today is Thursday, July 17, the 199th day of 2008. There are 167 days left in the year.

Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 17, 1996, TWA Flight 800, a Paris-bound Boeing 747, exploded and crashed off Long Island, N.Y., shortly after leaving John F. Kennedy International Airport, killing all 230 people aboard.

On this date:

• In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.
• In 1841, the British humor magazine Punch was first published.
• In 1918, Russia's Czar Nicholas II and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.
• In 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York, saying he was headed for California; he ended up in Ireland, supposedly by accident, earning the nickname "Wrong Way Corrigan."
• In 1944, 322 people were killed when a pair of ammunition ships exploded in Port Chicago, Calif.
• In 1948, Southern Democrats opposed to the nomination of President Truman met in Birmingham, Ala., to endorse South Carolina Gov. Strom Thurmond.
• In 1955, Disneyland opened to the public in Anaheim, Calif.
• In 1968, a coup in Iraq returned the Baath Party to power, five years after it was ousted.
• In 1975, an Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower linkup of its kind.
• In 1981, 114 people were killed when a pair of walkways above the lobby of the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapsed during a "tea dance."

Ten years ago:

• Prosecutors in the Monica Lewinsky case questioned President Clinton's Secret Service protectors before a grand jury.
• Nicholas II, last of the Romanov czars, was buried in Russia 80 years after he and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.
• A 23-foot-high tsunami hit the northern coast of Papua New Guinea, killing more than 2,000 people.
• In Rome, delegates from more than 100 countries overwhelmingly approved a historic treaty creating the world's first permanent war crimes tribunal — ignoring strenuous U.S. objections over certain provisions.

Five years ago:

• President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair forcefully defended their decision to topple Saddam Hussein during a joint White House news conference. In a speech to the U.S. Congress, Blair said even if they were proven wrong about Iraq's weapons capabilities, "We will have destroyed a threat that at its least is responsible for inhuman carnage and suffering."
• Democrats Joe Lieberman, Dick Gephardt and Dennis Kucinich apologized to the NAACP for bypassing a presidential forum.

One year ago:

• Senate Democrats launched an all-night debate on the Iraq war.
• VA Secretary Jim Nicholson abruptly resigned in the wake of charges of shoddy health care for veterans injured in the Iraq war.
• A Brazilian passenger jet crashed in Sao Paulo, Brazil, killing all 187 people aboard and 12 on the ground.
• Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury in Richmond, Va., on charges related to competitive dogfighting. (Vick later admitted bankrolling the dogfighting operation and helping to kill six to eight dogs; he was sentenced to 23 months in prison.)
• The Dow Jones industrial average crossed 14,000 for the first time before ending the day at 13,918.22.

Today's Birthdays:

• TV personality Art Linkletter is 96.
• Comedian Phyllis Diller is 91.
• The former president of the International Olympic Committee, Juan Antonio Samaranch, is 88.
• Jazz singer Jimmy Scott is 83.
• Actor Donald Sutherland is 73.
• Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 73.
• Rock musician Spencer Davis is 66.
• Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler (Black Sabbath) is 59.
• Actress Lucie Arnaz is 57.
• Actor David Hasselhoff is 56.
• Rock musician Fran Smith Jr. (The Hooters) is 56.
• Singer Phoebe Snow is 56.
• Television producer Mark Burnett ("Survivor," "The Apprentice") is 48.
• Actress Nancy Giles is 48.
• Singer Regina Belle is 45.
• Rock musician Lou Barlow is 42.
• Hip-hop singer Guru (Gang Starr) is 42.
• Contemporary Christian singer Susan Ashton is 41.
• Actor Andre Royo is 40.
• Actress Bitty Schram is 40.
• Actor Jason Clarke is 39.
• Singer JC (PM Dawn) is 37.
• Rapper Sole' is 35.
• Country singer Luke Bryan is 32.
• Actor Eric Winter is 32.

Thought for Today:

"Life has taught me that it is not for our faults that we are disliked and even hated, but for our qualities."
Bernard Berenson, Lithuanian-American art critic and author (1865-1959).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-199

"Let's all be careful out there!"

HAVE A NICE DAY

I have gone over 24 hours without a cigarette. The only notable change is that I have lost most of my sense of humor.

Later.


"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 16TH

***

Today is Wednesday, July 16, the 198th day of 2008. There are 168 days left in the year.
Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 16, 1945, the United States exploded its first experimental atomic bomb, in the desert of Alamogordo, N.M.

On this date:

• In 1790, the District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government.
• In 1862, David G. Farragut became the first rear admiral in the United States Navy.
• In 1935, the first parking meters were installed, in Oklahoma City.
• In 1957, Marine Maj. John Glenn set a transcontinental speed record by flying a jet from California to New York in 3 hours, 23 minutes and 8 seconds.
• In 1958, the science-fiction film "The Fly" opened in San Francisco.
• In 1964, in accepting the Republican presidential nomination in San Francisco, Barry M. Goldwater said "extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice" and that "moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue."
• In 1969, Apollo 11 blasted off from Cape Kennedy, Fla., on the first manned mission to the surface of the moon.
• In 1973, during the Senate Watergate hearings, former White House aide Alexander P. Butterfield publicly revealed the existence of President Nixon's secret taping system.
• In 1979, Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq.
• In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister, Lauren Bessette, died when their single-engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

Ten years ago:

• The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia refused to block Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr from calling President Clinton's Secret Service protectors before a grand jury.

Five years ago:

• The Environmental Protection Agency announced it was starting big-money, long-term cleanups at 10 Superfund toxic waste sites and putting 10 other sites aside for later.
• A car driven by 87-year-old George Russell Weller plowed through a farmer's market in Santa Monica, Calif., killing 10 people and injuring more than 70. (Weller was convicted of manslaughter and was sentenced to five years of probation.)
• Cuban-born "Queen of Salsa" Celia Cruz died in Fort Lee, N.J., at age 77.

One year ago:

• Declaring a "moment of choice" in the Middle East, President Bush said he would call Israel, the Palestinians and others in the region to a peace conference.
• A man carrying a gun and declaring "I am the emperor" was shot and killed by security outside the offices of Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter.
• A 6.8-magnitude earthquake on Japan's northwest coast killed 11 people and caused radioactive leaks at the world's most powerful nuclear power plant.

Today's Birthdays:

• Former Attorney General Dick Thornburgh is 76.
• Soul singer William Bell is 69.
• Actor Corin Redgrave is 69.
• Former tennis player Margaret Court is 66.
• Violinist Pinchas Zukerman is 60.
• Actor-singer Ruben Blades is 60.
• Rock composer-musician Stewart Copeland is 56.
• Dancer Michael Flatley is 50.
• Actress Phoebe Cates is 45.
• Country singer Craig Morgan is 44.
• Actor-comedian Will Ferrell is 41.
• Actress Rain Pryor is 39.
• Actor Corey Feldman is 37.
• Rock musician Ed Kowalczyk (Live) is 37.
• Rock singer Ryan McCombs (Drowning Pool) is 34.
• Actress AnnaLynne McCord is 21.
• Actor Mark Indelicato ("Ugly Betty") is 14.

Thought for Today:

"The fear of becoming a 'has been' keeps some people from becoming anything."
Eric Hoffer, American author-philosopher (1902-1983).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-198

"Let's all be careful out there!"

WASN'T THERE A...

MOVIE ABOUT THIS?

You would think that San Francisco, which sits a the north end of the fabled "Silicon Valley", would have contingency plans for this. The perp sits in jail, unable to make his $5,000,000 bail, but you've got to wonder what "surprises" he may have installed. Hmmm. I think I would have one that wire transfers all the city's liquid assets to a series of numbered off-shore bank accounts, each of which would have very specific instructions of what to do when the transfer was made. He probably didn't think that far ahead.

Want to have fun experiencing the 1880's in Vancouver BC? No power. No phones. No air conditioning. Hurry, this is a limited time offer. TPC (The Power Company) should have everything back to normal later today.

As if I didn't already have a full plate of worries about global warming.

The Northern San Joaquin Valley of California retained its status as America's foreclosure capital during June. San Joaquin County ranked No. 1, Merced County No. 2 and Stanislaus County No. 3 for foreclosure filings last month. Stanislaus is where I am. San Joaquin is the county north and Merced is the county south.

Talk about a rough way to start a LEO career.

Running behind this morning. Have a great day. Thanks for your visit.

"Let's all be careful out there!"

FLYING

From something called "Electric Oyster." Control your flight path with the cursor as you soar over sno-capped mountains. Probably requires a broadband connection. It is a total waste of your time but is relaxing.

Are you brave enough to watch FoxNews for 24 hours straight? This guy made a valiant effort. He can have visitors on Sunday afternoons.

I have definitely returned to the land of the weird. That's the city I live in.

Judge to drug dealer:

"Not only is it illegal, but you’re not very good at it, given the number of times you’ve been caught."

A contender for the LLDE list.

BEER - THE NEW REALITY SHOW:

• act 1 - Amateur drinker spends $1.000 a week on beer. Wants to turn "pro".
• act 2 - Suspected beer thief leaves liquid trail.
• act 3 - O J Simpson wants you to buy him a beer. He'll meet you out back, behind the stairs. Bring your own utensils and sports memorabilia.

Marie Antoinette is alive and well. And running the State Health Agency in Florida, under an assumed name.

"Just because you're poor doesn't mean you're unhealthy; it just means you have a lot more time to go running."

Obviously the writer of this LA Times news bit must have been short on his weekly "words in print" quota:

Why Is There Traffic In Los Angeles?

Are you a good dancer? Me neither. Which is why I'll stay away from this place.



"Let's all be careful out there!"

JULY 15TH

***

Today is Tuesday, July 15, the 197th day of 2008. There are 169 days left in the year.

Today's Highlight in History:

• On July 15, 1971, President Nixon startled the country by announcing he would visit the People's Republic of China.

On this date:

• In 1606, Dutch painter Rembrandt was born in Leiden, Netherlands.
• In 1870, Georgia became the last Confederate state readmitted to the Union.
• In 1870, Manitoba entered confederation as the 5th Canadian province.
• In 1918, the Second Battle of the Marne, resulting in an Allied victory, began during World War I.
• In 1948, President Truman was nominated for another term of office by the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia.
• In 1958, President Eisenhower ordered U.S. Marines to Lebanon, at the request of that country's president, Camille Chamoun, in the face of a perceived threat by Muslim rebels.
• In 1964, Sen. Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona was nominated for president by the Republican National Convention in San Francisco.
• In 1976, a 36-hour kidnap ordeal began for 26 schoolchildren and their bus driver as they were abducted near Chowchilla, Calif., by three gunmen and imprisoned in an underground cell. (The captives escaped unharmed.)
• In 1978, President Carter, in West Germany for an economic summit, presided over a "town meeting" during which he fielded questions from about 1,000 Berliners.
• In 1997, fashion designer Gianni Versace was shot dead outside his Miami home; suspected gunman Andrew Phillip Cunanan was found dead eight days later.

Ten years ago:

• Three days of ceremonies to bury Russia's last czar and his family, who were killed by the Bolsheviks, began in the city of Yekaterinburg.
• The Congressional Budget Office estimated federal surpluses of $1.55 trillion over the next decade.

Five years ago:

• The Bush administration dramatically raised its budget deficit projections to $455 billion for the current fiscal year and $475 billion for the next, record levels fed by the limp economy, tax cuts and the battle against terrorism.
• Scott McClellan assumed his duties as White House press secretary.
• Philadelphia's archbishop, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua, retired.
• Tex Schramm, who turned the Dallas Cowboys into "America's Team," died in Dallas at age 83.
  
• American-born singer Elisabeth Welch died in London at age 99.
• The American League beat the National League in the All-Star baseball game 7-6.

One year ago:

• The Roman Catholic archdiocese of Los Angeles announced it was settling clergy sex-abuse cases for $660 million.
• The Philadelphia Phillies lost their 10,000th game, 10-2, to the visiting St. Louis Cardinals.

Today's Birthdays:

• Actor Philip Carey is 83.
• Author Clive Cussler is 77.
• Actor Alex Karras is 73.
• Actor Ken Kercheval is 73.
• Sen. George V. Voinovich, R-Ohio, is 72.
• Actor Patrick Wayne is 69.
• Actor Jan-Michael Vincent is 64.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Millie Jackson is 64.
• Rock singer-musician Peter Lewis (Moby Grape) is 63.
• Singer Linda Ronstadt is 62.
• Rock musician Artimus Pyle is 60.
• Actor Terry O'Quinn is 56.
• Rock musician Marky Ramone is 52.
• Rock musician Joe Satriani is 52.
• Country singer-songwriter Mac McAnally is 51.
• Model Kim Alexis is 48.
  
• Actor Willie Aames is 48.
• Actor-director Forest Whitaker is 47.
• Actress Lolita Davidovich is 47.
• Actress Brigitte Nielsen is 45.
• Rock musician Jason Bonham is 42.
• Actor Kristoff St. John is 42.
• Rock musician Phillip Fisher is 41.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Stokey (Mint Condition) is 41.
• Actor-comedian Eddie Griffin is 40.
• Actor Stan Kirsch is 40.
• Actor Reggie Hayes is 39.
• Rock musician John Dolmayan is 36.
• Actor Scott Foley is 36.
• Actor Brian Austin Green is 35.
• Rapper Jim Jones is 32.
• Actress Lana Parrilla is 31.
• Rock musician Ray Toro (My Chemical Romance) is 31.
• Rhythm-and-blues singer Kia Thornton (Divine) is 27.

Thought for Today:

"It is astonishing what force, purity, and wisdom it requires for a human being to keep clear of falsehoods."
Margaret Fuller, American journalist and social critic (1810-1850).

"Let's all be careful out there!"

DAILY CHUCKLE 8-197

"Let's all be careful out there!"

A QUICK TRIP

AROUND THE NEWS BLOCK

In case you aren't busy worrying about terrorists, global warming and the plummeting economy, the latest menace to society: blue inflatable pools.

She hits a tree. She is drunk. 9 times the legal limit drunk. Of course, she only drinks on days that have a "Y" in them.

The Amish in Kentucky do not want to display slow-moving vehicle emblems on their horse-drawn buggies because they say the signs are "too worldly"

Playboy to feature "the Girls of Olive Garden". In a complete surprise, the "Girls Of Waffle House" didn't test market very well

Good news: "professional and discreet...a 10-day guarantee...100% professional we don't charge in advance".
Bad news: Classified ads for hitmen in Mexico

TSA looking into "possible unauthorized release of sensitive and classified information to the news media" after report that less than 1% of flights carry air marshals.

Of the 170,000 gasoline stations in America, some 8,000 have pumps that can't be adjusted to today's prices. So, if the price looks too good to be true, it probably isn't.

Now that wildfires in California are coming under control, the mudslides have started

If you're going to the embassy to get your passport renewed, you might want to take the $4,000 worth of crack out of your purse first

Once again, if airport security guards ask what you have in your carry-on luggage, don't tell them "parts of a Kalashnikov"

As always, thanks for the time you spend with me.


"Let's all be careful out there!"