Paradise Driver: "I BLEW A 6-7"

Thursday, January 04, 2007

"I BLEW A 6-7"

NO FUCKIN' WAY

Around 8:00pm there was a solo vehicle traffic collision near Dolphin Plaza, across the street from Kamaole Beach Park-I. A vehicle took out a fire hydrant. The typical 40' to 50' artesian spring. No one was injured. The driver was arrested for DUI (Driving Under the Influence [of drugs or alcohol]).

At 2:00am I pick up the phone from Kimo (#11) and he advises me of a fare waiting behind the MPD-Kihei District Station, which is next door to FoodLand. The guy was the driver from the accident. We were headed to Ma'alaea.

"Boy, this was an expensive night."
"How's that?"
"It just cost me $1,000 to get out of jail."
"DUI?"
"Yeah. I hit this fire hydrant that wouldn't get out of my way."
"Yup/ They don't tend to move around at lot."
"That's the truth."
"So what did you 'blow'?"
"I blew a 6-7"
"No fuckin' way. If you blew a 0.67% you wouldn't be riding with me. You'd be lying face up in a refrigerator at the morgue."
"Then it was a six-point-seven."
"What's you name?
"Bill."
"Bill, my name is Wil. Bill, the legal limit in this State is 0.08% (zero-point-zero eight) blood alcohol. At 0.40% you are most likely unconscious and are probably dying. At 0.45% you are taking your last breathes of life and will be dead in just a few moments. There is no way you blew a 0.67%."
"Whatever. All I know is that I swerved to miss a car and that damn fire plug jumped right out in front of me. I had to callmy friends to bring me some dry clothes and post my bail. The tow guy called the 'po-lease' and told me that the inside of my car was totally flooded. He also said that it was totaled. No why it can be fixed."
"Do you have insurance?"
"Yeah. The Hartford Group through AARP (American Association of Retired Persons)."
"Full coverage?"
"I think so. I know I have some kind of deductible that I have to pay."
"How old are you Bill>"
"78"
"You know, Bill, you were pretty lucky tonight. You weren't injured and you didn't kill anyone else."
"I know."
"And you were also pretty stupid."
"Huh? What?"
"You said it cost you $1,000 to buy your "Get Out Of Jail Card" and that your car is totaled. You are going to get next to nothing from the insurance company. Your insurance rates are going to triple for the next seven years. This stupid stunt is going to cost you between $15,000 and $20,000 over the next 7 years. Why didn't you just call a cab?"
"They're too damn expensive."
"As expensive as $20,000?"

He tipped me $5 on a $30.

*** *** ***

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."