I AM AN F-B-I AGENT

YEAH? SHOW ME YOUR BADGE.

Its 2:00am, bar close, and I have just taken over the phone from Kimo. He told me that there was a run waiting at Hapa's. One person going "north". I pull in front of Hapa's and this fortyish fat blonde woman walks up to the cab and starts complaining about all the guys trying to pick her up. Then she kept turning towards a small group of people, about half her age, telling them goodbye. They ignore her. She repeats hers adios' three times in a louder voice and never once did anyone even acknowledge her. She wants to sit in the front seat and I tell her that she has to sit in the back. That torqued her jaws. Destination was about two miles north at a condo across from the Menehune Shores. The whole trip she constantly tells me how all the guys kept pestering her, trying to get her to go home with them. Then she mumbled something about having danced on the stage for everyone and still they wouldn't leave her alone. As we pull into the drive of her condo she says that she is an FBI agent from Seattle, Washington. I ask her if she is a special agent and she just says that she arrests people. I ask her who the Director of the FBI is and she didn't answer. Okay. Then I ask her who was the Director previously and she doesn't know.

Reach her unit and she presents a $100 bill. Geez, not again. I tell her that no cabbie ever has that much change and as an FBI Agent, she would/should know that.

I tell her than I needed something smaller and she claims that is all she has.

The firecracker pops in my head. No more "mister nice guy."

I reverted to all the base words in my vocabulary ("F", "C", "B") and tell her just how much of a liar she is. She was really shocked when I said that she could not be a FBI special agent since she was at least 100 pounds too fat to pass the annual physical. That no "Phoebe" would ever risk their career by being so shitfaced in public and that I wanted to see her Department ID or badge, since it is illegal to impersonate a Special Agent. She spewed and sputtered and told me that she would have me arrested for insulting her and I would lose my job. Boy, am I in trouble. I kicked her lard ass out of the cab and wrote off the lost fare.

Her parting words were, "I've never been treated so rudely."

My retort was, "Then you need to get out in public more. I am sure it is just due to lack of exposure."

And that was the lackluster night's bright spot.

*** *** ***

Since it has been so long since the last rain, all sorts of dead vegetable matter had accumulated on the ground. The rain on Monday, followed by our normal high temps, strong sun and humidity on Tuesday and Wednesday, have created a stinking mess over the island. The smell of decay is overwhelming. We may or may not get some rain during the next five days. Hopefully, it will happen and begin to wash this crap into the ocean. If that does happen, only tourists and idiots (that may be redundant) will venture into the ocean. This creates Tiger Shark prime feeding conditions of brown water.

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THE PICTURE GALLERY

AERIAL VIEWS OF WEST MAU'I

Looking South From Kapalua
Towards Ka'anapali & Lahaina

Honokawai Resorts/Condos

Ka'anapali

Maui Marriott

Sheraton

Hyatt Regency

Westin Maui

Lahaina

Another Way To Fly

West Mau'i Mountains
South Of Lahaina

"Let's all be careful out there!"