Santa's Helper in Hawaii. December 3rd, 2005

Hurricane RITA at 897mb

And you thought that you had a bad day.

Follow sequence below.

FOX NEWS

Wouldn't it be more truthful to call it

FAUX NEWS

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Stones World Tour

Well, it kicks off at Fenway Park on August 21st.

But, really, aren't these 60+ers getting a little long in the tooth?

Maybe after 40+ years they'll finally get some satisfaction and retire before they become an embarrasment to their own image.

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name: ___________________
Stage Name:__________________
Agent: ___________________
Attorney:____________! ________
Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex:
[ ] Male
[ ] Female*
[ ] Formerly Male
[ ] Formerly Female
[ ] Both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:______________________________________________(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blonde
[ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers:
[ ] Red
[ ] Orange
[ ] Green
[ ] Purple
[ ] Blue
[ ]Skinhead
[ ]Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week:________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above**
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge
__________________

THOUGHTS:

CHILD ABUSERS:
When convicted, lock them in a room with the victim's family. Come back in 24 hours and unlock the door. Matter solved.

HURRICANES:
People seem to react with shock and amazement when a hurricane strikes. Why?

ISLAMIC WAR:
Take all the pretty wrapping off and we have two major issues. The industrialized nations want to control oil. The Islams see this as a religious war. Lets just solve the problem quickly. Nuke every major Islam city and shrine. Then walk away. No aid. No troops for order. Nothing. Let them rot.

PHILIPINES:
Have they ever had a non-corrupt gov't? Even Corizon Aquino had tinged hemlines.

POLITICIANS:
Is there one who hasn't succumbed to the "dark force"?

DUMB SPORTS CLICHES:
After game interviews always have the winning team coach explaining how the other team was good, etc. Wouldn't you like to see one just say - "Yeah, we kicked the shit out of their wimp asses."

TSA:
I take flight crews to the airport often. One pilot, who is a regular customer, is a deputy air marshall and is authorized to carry a 9mm Glock on board. All flight crews must go through the same entrance screening at security as passengers. They took away his nail file.
You figure out the logic, good luck.

HOMELAND SECURITY:
A man enters the US from Canada at a crossing somewhere in New England. He is carrying an axe, a sword, brass knuckles, and handcuffs all covered in what appears to be blood and flesh. Our elite border security's response? "Welcome home citizen. Have a nice day." EXCUSE ME??

PRICE OF OIL:
Anybody want to bet that it won't be above $100 per barrel this time next year?

"RIGHT WING" RADIO TALK SHOWS:
Are there any other kind? Hard to find any voice out there that even approaches the center line, let alone crosses over to the left. And even with this predominance they continue to bash "main stream media". Excuse me guys, but you have become the "main stream media."

FOX NEWS - "FAIR AND BALANCED"
Yeah. Right.

God, its been a long time since I logged on here.



Must think of something new to do with it.